This is definitely late. My deepest apologies..
Last week was an interesting one that is for sure. I am starting to feel a little more each day that this is home and comfortable. It's hard some days, but others are so full of fun and joy that I can't help but to love everything. The reason that I haven't posted a blog in a long time is because my mind has been so full of thoughts and feelings that I didn't know how to write down. I also wasn't sure how other people would feel when reading them, so I kept most between myself and God. (sometimes Annie) Something that I was struggling with was the idea of leaving. I know it's not even close to time to start thinking this, but it's only because there are so many people I have grown to love deeply. The fact that part of my time here is all about the countdown until I leave is just depressing in so many ways.
It's depressing for the obvious reason of leaving a place that I have grown to love. Not even talking about the people that I have grown to love, who don't even live in Lithuania, but actually live in several countries across Europe. So, the day that I have to say goodbye is something that I am not looking forward to, but what makes it worse is this anxiety I feel about being here at all. Let me explain. I chose to come here and make myself a part of these people's lives. I chose to put myself smack dab in the middle of their normal lives and supposedly they are supposed to just watch me come, love me while I'm here, and then watch me as I leave again. Of course, there is that very small hope that I will come back or at the very least that we will keep in touch via skype. But, let's be honest, how long do people keep in touch after they part from one another? A few weeks? A few months? Maybe a few years every once in a while.... (sorry to have a depressing blog.. just somethings that have been on my mind)
The amazing thing that I'm learning while thinking about my departure is how much love and kindness everyone is showing me. My roommates are trying so hard to bond with me and show me parts of their life that I would never be able to see otherwise. We go out together and talk about our beliefs and how are lives differ. We share food and watch American movies and drink lots and lots of tea followed by talking. If the roles were switched, I would have a really hard time loving someone who is coming into my life with a start and end date. And the previous relationships that I have had with study abroad students are definitely over. I don't want this experience to just be something fun that I look back on. I want it to be something that I can say "This is my friend from Ukraine; she was my roommate at LCC." I don't want to just be a visitor for a time. I want to be a friend. Relationships seem so hollow when you know the exact date that it will be over. In fact, the date that may be the last time i see these people is written in my planner.
(Again, I'm sorry it's a rather depressing blog. These are just thoughts that I have been having lately and things I want to be aware about. God is definitely making me more aware of how to love people. What truly loving someone means and what everlasting love means even when you're far away from each other. Learrning is hard, but growing is worth it.)
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I can totally relate to what you're saying... I mean, I've had 4 years at Taylor and you only have 1 semester in Lithuania, but as graduation looms there are lots of questions and thoughts similar to this bouncing around in my head. In some ways I'm pretty nervous, but it helps me to think about things in a different way than I'm used to; my friendships are not about me, they're about God working in my life and the lives of my friends. Many of the friendships I've formed at Taylor will be lifelong, and that's really exciting! But there are many others that God wants to use for a specific time and then allow to pass out of my day-to-day life. That doesn't mean I have to like it, of course, I mean, I wish most of my friendships could be lifelong! But remembering that we are God's children and His servants, and that just as He blesses us with friendships now (many of which may not continue past college, or past Lithuania, or past whatever other circumstance they're formed in) He will bless us with more friendships in the future that will be just as rewarding, just as fun, just as enriching and just as God-ordained as these helps me to at least accept that moving on won't be horrible. It's not that any of my friends are being replaced, but that if we stay in the same place with the same people for longer than God wants us to, our growth and our walk with Him will be stunted. And of course, absolutely the only reason I am able to say this and accept this at all is that I know I will be able to spend eternity with my closest friends, and not only that, but I will get to form new relationships and continue learning and growing in Heaven. I really believe that God intends for Heaven to be a continuation of our growth, not a freezing of everything about us into a static eternity. But that's a whole other topic. Basically, I love you, I miss you, and I want to encourage you and share in your thoughts and concerns even though you are far away (for now)! Keep going strong, Abby- you're amazing!
ReplyDeleteLook! You're growing! Hooray! Don't stop
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